The last day or two, those voices have been back…the depression demons. I really dislike those guys! And the truth is, it’s probably just one little baby demon trying to hone his skills; but I am so weak and wimpy it seems like an army to me.
The voice(s) hammer away at me, reminding me that I’ve made no spiritual progress in the many years I’ve been at this work. They remind me that people generally find depressed people…well…depressing. And they don’t want to be around them, and no one really wants to listen to a depressed person talk about their depression; it’s too depressing! And that, my demon voices tell me is why I have no friends. So they say.
My last bout of depression lasted a couple of months, I think. Now this is not serious clinical depression, as far as I know; but it is definitely a pain, and when I look back on it, I shudder. It was really pretty bad, from my inside view. I tried to see it as something to offer for the salvation of souls and in reparation for sins, but it was difficult. I could do it some of the time; I tried to see it as something God was allowing to happen to me as He allowed tuberculosis to happen to St. Therese, and pleurisy to happen to Blessed Jacinta (2 ribs removed without anesthesia?!?!).
Then it lifted, and I have been extremely relieved not to be depressed. The thought of enduring that again is very repulsive to me. But maybe God wants to use me in that way. So I'm hoping that if it happens again – which it seems to be – I can resist the devil's temptations to rage, and just suffer the depression. St. Therese and Blessed Jacinta and others found great joy in suffering because they understood the salvific value of it. I hope I can do the same, no matter what I am to suffer. Because I have come to realize that I do want to suffer - for the conversion of souls, etc. Otherwise, what is the point of being here?
A favorite quote from St. Teresa of Avila comes to mind: "To suffer, or to die." Now I really get what she was talking about. I don't think I took it seriously before.
And I have friends, despite what the demon voices tell me. I have Friends in High Places. Of course there’s St. Michael the Archangel, but maybe he’s a little too busy to deal with my baby depression demon, so even though I ask for his help, I ask others, too, who maybe are not quite so busy.
There’s St. Marina the Great Martyr and Vanquisher of Demons, with her hammer. And I have one too!
There’s my confirmation saint, St. Teresa of Avila. Well, she’s kind of a big name, too, but still, she’s my patron, so I know she will help.
And there’s St. Rita, another of my favorites to whom I pray daily for the grace to accept my lot in life.
St. Therese is a new-found friend, and I think she has been calling to me about this “suffering” business, so I ask her intercession as well.
I’ve started praying to St. Roch, too – whose name I know not how to spell (there are so many variations) or pronounce. I’m sure he hears, though. I pray to him because I miss my furry friend, my dog, and I think I need a dog to lick my wounds for me.
And the littlest one…Blessed Jacinta. I pray to her too, because in my heart, I am convinced she is a saint in Heaven with a privileged place beside Our Blessed Mother.
Oh yes…Our Blessed Mother! I have consecrated myself to her, so I am ever under her protection and watchful eye. I’m sure she keeps the demons at bay and allows only as much as I can handle to penetrate her shield.
There. Now I have listened to the good voices, the angel voices. Now I can march forward into this battle. Pray for me!
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.