
Immediately his heart was
troubled, and filled with compunction, he went to Scetis and told the Fathers
what he had done… He said, “I am forty years old and I have not made one
prayer; and now, if I live another year, I shall not cease to pray God that he
may pardon my sins.” In fact, he did not work with his hands but passed all his
time in prayer, saying, “I, who as man have sinned, do you, as God, forgive.”
… And he was sure that God had
forgiven him all his sins, including the murder of the woman; but for the child’s
murder, he was in doubt. Then an old man said to him, “God has forgiven you
even the death of the child, but he leaves you in grief because that is good
for your soul.”
Elsewhere,
I have read that it is good, when making a confession, to sometimes confess
again a past grievous sin, in order to achieve a greater degree of contrition
for one’s sins. This story seems to illustrate that point.

If one
can endure feeling “unforgiven” but at the same time maintain the intellectual
knowledge of God’s endless mercy, doing so would reduce, perhaps, the time in
purgatory which might be required in order to be purged of the stain of that
particular sin. At least, that seems a reasonable thought to me. I do not know
whether it is the correct theological perspective, though.
At any
rate, I feel a similar sort of compunction and contrition when I think of the
children whose birth I prevented via use of artificial contraception, or the
children I may have unknowingly aborted through the same avenue. Sometimes when
I think of that sin, and other sins I have committed – which have been
confessed – I feel a horror that is painful, and a remorse that is unremitting
at least for a time. And I think that what I am likely to experience in
purgatory will be a hundred times more intense than that. That’s an incentive
to embrace the pain here; that is
what could make one say, “If I live another year, I shall not cease to pray God
that he may pardon my sin”…and do penance accordingly.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
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