Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Depression Demons

Last night I didn't get up for Vigils. Sigh.

I think the alarm went off...I don't know why else I would have woken up at 1:12am. However, I have no recollection of the alarm making any noise at all. I remember looking at the numbers, and noticing that the alarm symbol was displayed, and it was just past alarm time (1:10am). I thought, "But the alarm didn't go off. Maybe it needs new batteries."

And then, since the alarm had not sounded, I didn't get up. Oh, I thought about it...briefly. Then I went back to sleep.

At 3:30am, my phone notified me - rather rudely, I thought - that I had received a text message. I struggled to read it, and then thought again about getting up to pray Vigils. I argued with myself, trying to cajole myself into it. Didn't work. I went back to sleep.

I hate it when that happens. 

The morning prayers were prayed, but then I had two errands to do in town, which kept me away from home for a couple of hours. Then I went back into town again for another errand...ugh. It drains me, and then I get depressed.

I think it is a sign of weakness. My spiritual director seems to be able to handle long trips into town without falling into despondency. I think I must lack that much-needed ability to retreat into the hermitage of my heart. The secular concerns suck all the energy out of me. 

Then the depression demons come for me, and they are hard to resist. "What's the point?" they ask. "Why all the prayers? Just do the housework, fix the meals, enjoy life!" I guess there is some part of me that likes feeling sorry for myself. 

My habit of prayer saves me, though. I can see that that is a benefit of praying the Divine Office faithfully; when you get depressed and don't want to do it, you just do it anyway...because that's what you do. Since it's part of my Rule of Life, I do it. Even when I don't want to, and even when I occasionally tell myself I'm just not going to, I end up praying the hours anyway. 

Except Vigils, I guess. Sigh.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

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