Last night, at vigils, I had an interesting moment.
All of a sudden, just for a quick instant, I could see very
clearly how pleasing it is to God when I fully, unconditionally, accept His
will and truly abandon myself to His Providence – because of love for Him,
rather than because it will be good for me. I can't explain it any more than
that. I just knew it.
It was...such a relief, I guess! It’s so much easier to
truly trust God, and to do things for love of Him, rather than worry about
getting my own way.
But it's hard to hold onto that thought. WHY?!?! I guess it’s
because I am basically a selfish human being...just like everyone else, due to
fallen human nature.
Today I saw a photo on Face Book from Our Lady of Solitude
Monastery in Nevada. It showed a lay woman with two nuns and a monk, and the
caption said, “Directly following the 6:30 p.m. Mass on Monday, October 15th
(Memorial of St. Teresa of Avila), 2012, Tara Smith will enter our Community as
a Postulant.”
Sigh. I always feel sad when I see things like that, because
I want so badly to be consecrated. I am happy for the person about to become a religious,
of course, but there is that yearning in my soul… This time, at least, I was
not quite as sad.
God’s will be done.
Lord
Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
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