Usually, I love the fall. But so far, this fall is just dry and drab. Maybe that has contributed to my despondency.
I had a few days of being lost.
I forget sometimes that God loves me.
I forget sometimes to abandon myself to Divine Providence.
When that happens, it is so very hard to find my way out of that desert. I know I’m wallowing in self-pity, and I know that I’ve found my way out before, but I just can’t remember how.
But the Lord will always help if He’s asked. You have to want to ask, though. And finally, I asked. I told Him I just couldn’t stop wallowing and that I just couldn’t let go of the depression. I asked Him to help. He did.
Then I remembered. I remembered that He loves me, and that He wants what is best for me, and that His plan is what’s happening right now, and that I need to just say “yes” to His will.
It helped to read a little of Providence by Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange. I “just happened” to pick up that book again, and I “just happened” to find a passage or two that spoke about my problem. I could see the mountain again, instead of just the desert dryness.
Then I was filled with remorse, of course. How could I doubt my Jesus? That part is always painful, too – realizing how ungrateful I am, how blind, how self-centered, etc.
But at least then I remembered this quote from St. Francis de Sales (from a sermon on the Epiphany):
...As for your little fits of temper, they will pass away; or if they do not pass away, it will be for your exercise and mortification. Lastly, since without reserve you wish to be all for God, do not keep your heart in any anxiety, but amidst all the drynesses you may feel, be firm in remaining within the arms of the divine mercy. And as for those apprehensions which occur to you, it is the enemy, who seeing you at present altogether resolved to live in our Lord, without reserve and without exception, will make all sorts of efforts to distress you, and to render the way of holy devotion hard to you. Now you ought, on the contrary, to strengthen your heart by frequent repetition of your protest, that you will never relax yourself; that you will persevere in your fidelity; that you love better the hardships of the service of God than the sweetnesses of the service of the world; that you will never abandon your Spouse. Be very careful not to omit holy meditation, for if you did, you would be the sport of your adversary; but continue constantly in that holy exercise, and wait until our Lord speaks to you: for He will one day speak to you words of peace and consolation, and then you will know that your trouble has been well bestowed and your patience profitable. Let it be your glory to be all for God, and often protest that you are all His.