…Or trying hard, anyway.
The last few days have been very stressful for me, for a variety of reasons. I could feel my blood pressure rising frequently, resulting in a feeling that my head would burst.
It occurred to me that this is not a good thing! Not spiritually, and not physically.
This evening, I finally took the correct steps to deal with it. I prayed...I realized how much God has given me. I thanked Him for EVERYTHING. I abandoned myself to Divine Providence (at least for a few seconds). I thought about my confessor’s recent comment that the people I find stressful are all put in my life to help me grow in virtue. I asked God for the grace to respond to that. Things are better now.
I do this periodically – get very upset, wonder why I am such an awful sinner, feel hopeless to change, etc. , and then realize that God is just waiting for me to ask for – and then accept – His help.
Usually, I do a lot of asking, but I don’t accept what He offers. I guess I don’t think I deserve to be helped. Or maybe I think I’m beyond help. Or maybe I just want to feel sorry for myself. I do that last one very, very well! But after a while, it’s extremely wearing.
I have had this experience many times. Why can’t I learn?! Well, it feels just enough different each time, when I am in the thick of it, that I don’t recognize the situation. But when I do…what a relief!
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.