If Only...

I know I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

I wonder what would have become of me if I’d been born in a different time, in a different place…what if I had grown up in an age and a place where it was more common for women to enter religious life? When people – men and women – were known to purse the eremitic life, in the wilderness. The real wilderness.

I think if I’d been born into a pious Catholic family, I would have become a nun. I remember as a child feeling very much aware of Jesus. Not that I would have said it that way. We were Episcopalian; I didn’t like going to church because I didn’t like wearing a dress.  

Still, there was a draw toward Jesus. I think if I’d been born into a pious Catholic family when the Traditional Latin Mass was the only Mass, it would have made a difference. I would have discerned a vocation to religious life.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, someone gave my younger sister a book…it wasn’t a Bible, but it had page after page of religious art. I remember being fascinated by the pictures of the Crucifixion. I thought Jesus had died because of the pain of those nails going into his hands and feet; I had no idea what the physiology of death by crucifixion involved till well into my adulthood. I didn’t like church, but I liked that book.

If only…

Well, that’s all just idle thought that leads nowhere and serves no good end. I was born when, where, and to whom God willed! I am where I am now because God allowed me to make decisions out of my own free will. He guided me, and sometimes I listened, but often I did not.

I wish I had listened better…earlier…ahhh… It’s no use! I must stop! Now!

 
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.