Let me ramble a bit about
something I read in the Sayings of the
Desert Father.
I was reading about Abba
Theodore of Pherme this past week. In one story, another father noted that he
had come to see Abba Theodore and found him “wearing a torn habit, his chest
bare and his cowl hanging in front of it.” At that moment, a “great man” came
to see Abba Theodore, who greeted the man and sat down to talk with him. The
other abba took one side of the cape and covered Abba Theodore’s shoulders with
it – but Abba Theodore “put out his hand and snatched it off.” When the “great
man” had gone his way, the confused father asked Abba Theodore why he had done
that; after all, the great man “had come to be edified; perhaps he will be
shocked.” The story continues:
Then
the old man said to me, “What do you mean, abba? Are we still the slaves of
men? We did what was necessary, the rest is superfluous. He who wishes to be
edified, let him be edified; he who wishes to be shocked, let him be shocked;
as for me, I meet people as they find me.”
Well, if someone comes to see me, it is not generally to be edified,
but nonetheless, I do attend to my physical appearance lest the visitor be
shocked! But these days, I don’t take too
much care; when we had people over for dinner a few months ago, I did put on a
clean pair of sweat pants, and a clean sweatshirt, too! Still, some of the care
I take is simply vanity.
But when I read the above “saying”,
especially where Abba Theodore says “I meet people as they find me”, I thought
more about how I speak to people, and what I speak to them about. My extended
family is not too happy with me these days, because on the in-law side, they
are slip-sliding away from the faith, and I tell them so; and on my own side,
they are all agnostics, pagans, or worse. I don’t see them in person very
often, but I have emailed them about important issues and events in their lives
that show that they are not serious about their Catholic faith. I know that I
could be more “pastoral”; I could be more gentle and try to cajole them along
into an awareness of the beauty and truth of the faith. But I don’t. Sometimes
I feel like there is so little time left, I cannot mince words and hope they
will understand!
The truth is, though, I have
been told many times in my life that I am not very tactful, and that is true.
It is a skill that has eluded me since I was a child. Sometimes I am sorry for
that lack of gentleness and tact, and other times, I am not at all remorseful,
feeling that it’s more important to say the truth plainly than to put a sugar
coating on it. At those times, I say with Abba Theodore, “I meet people as they
find me.”
Of course, there are not many
people coming to see me these days, and those who do certainly aren’t seeking
out my “wisdom”! Ha! I’m not sure I have any to offer anyway! And most who
approach me aren’t even looking for Truth. Sometimes I give it to them anyway,
though in these instances it is not often appreciated; so more and more, I don’t
give an answer until it seems that the person is actually asking a question.
Not that I’m proud of any of
that, really. I often wish I could be more like one of the saints. But which
one?! St. Teresa of Avila, my
confirmation saint? St. Therese? St. Catherine of Siena? They are all very
different…
I guess more than one saint has
noted that one should not necessarily strive to be like someone else, even if
that other person is holy in God’s sight, but instead to be the person God
intended them to be. Still, becoming that person is a journey and an
exploration in itself, isn’t it? I’m pretty sure that I have not become that
person God wants me to be! Even if He doesn’t intend for me to be the most
tactful and gentle person in the world, He surely would like to soften some of
my rough spots!
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.